Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Sleep Scenes

Last night I dreamed of my Pawpaw.

I was sitting in the living room at my parent's house, he was sitting in a recliner. I know for certain that I was lecturing someone about something they had done that I felt was inappropriate. (Shocker, I know.)

I had to leave, so I went to tell him goodbye. I was standing in front of him and he asked me to help him up. I did. He embraced me and it felt so real. I could smell Old Spice on his neck and feel the warmth of his arms around me and I could hear him saying "I love you" over and over in my ear. While I hugged him I sobbed...loud sobs. And I told him how much I loved him.

And then I left. I left. I can't believe I left. Why would I willingly leave someone who is no longer on this earth? The only reason I can think of is because in my dream he was far from gone, he was sitting right there...very much alive telling me he loved me.

When I woke up this morning, that dream was the only one I could remember. It felt so real that I momentarily forgot that he was gone. I was angry with myself, angry that I left, angry that I didn't hug him once more and angry that I didn't recognize the significance of that moment. It was only a dream, I know that. But it felt so real that when I realized that he was in fact gone, I started to cry.

Even though he's gone and I am sad that he's gone I am grateful that I have so many memories of him and with him. He was an amazing man who had a precious soul and a tender heart but also had a hard head. (And family members who possess that same hard head consider it a honor!) :)

I love you Pawpaw, and I miss you everyday.

2 comments:

  1. Remembering moments is something many take for granted; often times people are caught up in their own lives to remember those moments that make life worth living because its sure as hell not supposed to be all about work, paying bills, and attempting to live up to some standard society imposes on an individuals freedom of pure happiness. So remember on because it is worth it and it gives a sense of hope, and without hope where would the world be. I look forward to making many memories with you Anna; there should be a lot of them too. I remember writing something about forever on your mirror when we first met:) Love You Always
    -Your Husband

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  2. Oh, I think I liked your husband's comment as much as I liked the post! Thinking of you today.

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