Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Trust Issues.

I've come to the realization that I have trust issues. There are very few people in this world that I trust with a lot much less...everything. I think this all stems from the kick in the face (figuratively not literally) a-ha! moment that I had recently. I. DON'T. EVEN. TRUST. ME! Me! I can't even trust myself! I should probably just go ahead and admit how many times I locked and relocked and relocked the car this weekend while in Cincinnati or maybe I should let you all in on how I went all the way up to my hotel room and then back down the elevator to quadruple check that the car doors were locked. Even though I said "locked, locked, locked" after each click of the door locking thingamajig I still doubted myself that I had in fact locked the doors. How pathetic. No wonder I doubt Mr. Ski when he tells me that he's locked the back door yet I can't trust that he has without checking it myself. It's like there's this little bug in my head saying..."he didn't lock the doors and some criminal will come in tonight and steal all your belongings after they slaughter you both" so what do I do? Check to make sure the back door's locked...and it always is.

So here's my question...how do I become more trusting of the people that I know would never intentionally let me down? I have a feeling that I need to trust me before I can trust others but at this point I don't even know where to begin. Because I don't know if I will be able to ignore that nagging/taunting/irritating voice in my head that tells me...you did not lock the doors, you did not turn off the stove, you did not set the alarm, you did not unplug the flat iron, you did not, you did not, you did not! Grr.

I really do want to be more trusting of others, specifically Mr. Ski. I'm sure it doesn't make him feel the greatest when I insist on double checking that he locked the doors instead of just trusting that he did what he said he did. I'm thinking that the reason I'm having these trust issues is because I used to be too trusting. I never thought there was any reason why anyone wouldn't do what they said they were going to do and over the years as I kept getting let down my anti-trust wall kept getting higher and higher. That wall has become so high that now I can't even trust my own actions. How do I start to tear down the wall without becoming too trusting again, honestly I can't handle the disappointment.

Lately, all I've got are questions. When do I get the answers?

3 comments:

  1. I think that what you are talking about is OCD, NOT lack of trust. And if this seriously bothers you, you should talk to your doctor about it because I think there is medicine to help with that. I am not even being a smart ass, either. If it is any consolation, I check and recheck my alarm about 6 times before I got to bed; it doesn't matter if Steve tells me he just checked it, I still HAVE to do it. a Few other things, too. It just makes me laugh at myself, though, so maybe yours is worse? Sending hugs.

    And hey, if I knew where to find any answers, I would be first in line, so can't help you there. Though I would let you cut in line BEHIND me. :)

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  2. In a word, therapy. You don't have to be losing your mind to benefit from talking with someone who can help you sort out your sht. I agree with Kori, too, though, that this seems a bit OCD-ish.

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  3. I think it depends on why you don't trust. I don't trust anyone but my mom and brother, because every time I do I get screwed. But if it's just impulses over small things like checking the door, that sounds more compulsive. There's a big difference between "checking your husband's cell records" distrust and "checking the door lock" distrust.

    Also, listen to Kori. She's a smart lady.

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