Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Trust Issues.

I've come to the realization that I have trust issues. There are very few people in this world that I trust with a lot much less...everything. I think this all stems from the kick in the face (figuratively not literally) a-ha! moment that I had recently. I. DON'T. EVEN. TRUST. ME! Me! I can't even trust myself! I should probably just go ahead and admit how many times I locked and relocked and relocked the car this weekend while in Cincinnati or maybe I should let you all in on how I went all the way up to my hotel room and then back down the elevator to quadruple check that the car doors were locked. Even though I said "locked, locked, locked" after each click of the door locking thingamajig I still doubted myself that I had in fact locked the doors. How pathetic. No wonder I doubt Mr. Ski when he tells me that he's locked the back door yet I can't trust that he has without checking it myself. It's like there's this little bug in my head saying..."he didn't lock the doors and some criminal will come in tonight and steal all your belongings after they slaughter you both" so what do I do? Check to make sure the back door's locked...and it always is.

So here's my question...how do I become more trusting of the people that I know would never intentionally let me down? I have a feeling that I need to trust me before I can trust others but at this point I don't even know where to begin. Because I don't know if I will be able to ignore that nagging/taunting/irritating voice in my head that tells me...you did not lock the doors, you did not turn off the stove, you did not set the alarm, you did not unplug the flat iron, you did not, you did not, you did not! Grr.

I really do want to be more trusting of others, specifically Mr. Ski. I'm sure it doesn't make him feel the greatest when I insist on double checking that he locked the doors instead of just trusting that he did what he said he did. I'm thinking that the reason I'm having these trust issues is because I used to be too trusting. I never thought there was any reason why anyone wouldn't do what they said they were going to do and over the years as I kept getting let down my anti-trust wall kept getting higher and higher. That wall has become so high that now I can't even trust my own actions. How do I start to tear down the wall without becoming too trusting again, honestly I can't handle the disappointment.

Lately, all I've got are questions. When do I get the answers?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Wowza!

It has been ages since I've blogged! I don't know what's been wrong with me, I've had things to say but just haven't had the gumption to type them out. First things first, I want to thank those who have checked on me, it meant a lot.

My results came back and there isn't enough wrong right now to do anything about it so I will be reexamined in six months or so. We were very relieved at these results, short of them saying that there was absolutely nothing wrong this was the next best option. So grateful, relieved, happy, and thankful we were when the doctor called me (on a Friday at 6pm because he knew I was worried and wanted to ease my stress...he rocks!) and gave me the results.

Mr. Ski has officially signed out of the Army on terminal leave. Which means his last official day will be January 31st but since he had saved leave days he will be on terminal leave until the end of January, basically we're still getting paid and have insurance benefits he just no longer has to go to formations or do anything Army related. Woohoo! I was nervous about it but now I'm hopeful and excited about this new chapter in our lives. YAY! Everything will work out...I'm quite sure of that.

The photography events are back in session. I go to Cincinnati this weekend for the second show of cheer season. I love the extra work and the experience but I could go without the loud music, cow bells (apparently the coolest way to cheer on your team) and the screaming girls and boys. It's worth it though and only makes me appreciate my quiet existence even more!

I called in to NPR on Tuesday for "On Point: with Tom Ashbrook" and made it on air! It was so exciting but I was so nervous. It turned out to be such an amazing experience. It was so ironic because the topic of the show was military service and PTSD and Mr. Ski signed out of the Army about 10 minutes before I went on air. It felt really good to share our story and my feelings on what needs to change involving soldiers coming home from deployments and to be listened to and agreed with, it was a priceless opportunity that I will forever cherish.

Hopefully, I will be a better blogger and maybe do a post that doesn't revolve around updates! :) Thanks for reading and being patient.