Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wondering on a Wednesday

Am I really supposed to be someone's bitch for the rest of my life?! I know that in any job you have a boss but for pete's sake I'm so tired of mine. I went to college, obtained a degree, and now I fill my time in a position that in no way correlates with the degree I have and I spend the majority of my day doing data entry and comparisons. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful to have a job but I just don't know anymore if this is the path I'm supposed to be on.

I remember when I was 16 or so. It was summertime and I was working at a pharmacy as a technician. I loved that job. I had gone on a mission trip with my church and my dad was one of the counselors. We were driving on some winding roads in Virginia or West Virginia and I overheard my dad telling another counselor about my sisters' successes in their jobs. For some reason it made me mad. Not because he didn't talk about me but that it seemed he was so proud of them and I was still a measly junior in high school, with very few accomplishments besides the swim team. I remember telling him later on that day when we were alone that one day he would be proud of me and want to tell people about my career as a pharmacist. He assured me that he was already proud of me and that he knew I would do great things with my life.

If only I had kept that determination during my first year of college, my story might be very different. Instead I was slaughtered by Chemistry. The professor hated me, I didn't understand it and I had to rely on a cute male cheerleader to tutor me so I could somewhat pass the class. Which I barely did. I made a D in chemistry Freshman year and that D weighed heavily on my dream to become a pharmacist because heck, if I couldn't do the first year of chemistry how was I supposed to do 6+ more years of it?! I let myself down, I doubted what I could do and ended up changing my major several times after that.

So now, I am as confused as ever about what my life path should be. I've thought about going back to school to get my Masters so I can be a school counselor (since I already have a degree in Psychology this might be the easiest option). But I'm sick of taking the easy way out. I don't know why I do that to myself, if I think something is going to be a challenge instead of facing it head on I find something that will be less of a challenge. The last time I was truly happy in a job was when I was working at a pharmacy in college. I miss it. I miss the monotony, I miss the routine, I miss the people, I miss knowing all the generics to numerous name brand drugs. I miss it. So maybe I'll go to pharmacy school...but can I afford to be back in school for 6+ years? What if I get burnt out? What if I really can't do Chemistry? What if I realize that being a pharmacist isn't what I'm supposed to do?

My life at the moment contains entirely too many "What If's." What are your what if's? Is there something or someone you always wanted to be but you strayed from that person/occupation? Why did you stray? Do you have that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you that you're meant for something else...something more?


  1. I don't htink that very many of us are true to our genuine selves. I mean, I want to write. As in, write and get paid for it. And I think I could do it, but just like you, I am worried about all of those what ifs. What if I chuck it all up and quit my job and then find out I suck? What if all this is, is a pipe dream? What if I am just egotistical and have a false sense of belief in that I am good? So I stay at a job that I love but that no longer challenges me, because it is safe and comfortable. Sigh....

  2. Big Sigh! But I'm glad that someone can relate. Maybe we should just go for it. Yeah, there's a lot to lose but there could be more to gain!

    BTW, I think you'd be a great writer. I love reading your blog!